Are you a good mom?

Have you wondered what it means to be a good mom?

Some might say a good mom is someone who loves unconditionally, prioritizes her child's well-being, sets high expectations especially on her children's academic achievement and work ethic while balancing these high standards with fostering her child's creativity, hobbies and social life, sacrifices her time and interests for that of her child's, teaches respect for elders and cultural traditions, teaches the value of hard work, resilience and perseverance so that her child can succeed in life, communicates openly and honestly and allows her child to express themself.

Who determines if you're a good mom?

Many of us look for external validation to define the quality of our parenting. We define our success by what our children think, what family and friends and neighbors think, what teachers or doctors or clergy think.

How does it feel to want to be a good mom?

For me, this desire to be a good mom feels like crap. Why? Because it means I'm not living up to some standard of parenting. Which means my kids are disadvantaged because they got me for a parent. It means that I believe I'm not good enough as I am. How could a noble pursuit (to be a good mom) have me feeling inadequate?

What can I do to help myself?

I want to share this secret with you. Every thought we have creates a feeling in us. Every belief we have creates a feeling in us. When I'm trying to be a good mom, the underlying belief is that I am not good enough or I'm doing this wrong which creates a feeling of inadequacy or shame or guilt in me. I don't know about you, but when I feel inadequate, shame or guilt, I close up. This means I withdraw and disconnect which then confirms my own belief that I'm not doing it right and not good enough. Or I might try to control my kids to get rid of these negative feelings -- because if my kids were "better,"I would feel better. But these tactics don't work, those little humans have minds of their own, darn it!

The secret to feeling better is to change my belief about myself. I've decided to drop the desire to be good mom and simply believe that I am the mom. And guess what, this has freed me to be me, drop my own self judgments and enjoy my children more than ever before. Give it a try. Give yourself permission to believe that you are good enough as you are and see where it takes you.